I took this photo of my belly proudly Sunday night. I was just entering the fun phase of pregnancy, and was getting more and more excited.
Sadly the next morning, I woke to find that growing belly that I admired the whole day before, was gone. As I hopped on the scale and read the numbers which told me I lost 2 pounds, my heart sunk. Something wasn't right. Immediately I called my midwife to inform her of the situation, and it hit me what was really going on. I couldn't stop the tears. I fell to my knees and asked God why this was happening? Being 17 weeks, I thought I had escaped the chance of miscarriage.
I snuck into my son's room for some needed comfort and watched him sleep. My fears and sadness faded for a brief moment while I admired this perfect little boy I have. He rolled over, woke up, and did something to make me laugh. You are my light, Oliver.
When we arrived at the hospital, the midwife searched for a heartbeat but had no luck, so we moved to an ultrasound. This sweet midwife spent time showing us our baby, while working up the courage to tell us the news. She stopped on the abdomen and showed where we should see a heart beating, but she sadly doesn't see one. I threw my hands over my face and sobbed. Oliver started saying, "mommy wake up!" Over and over. I laid there wishing I could wake up from this horrible nightmare.
When I was pregnant with Oliver I didn't have a worry in the world. I announced I was pregnant before my first doctor appointment. I remember my mom telling me I should wait and make sure the baby is ok before, but I just knew everything was fine. When I had my big 20 week ultrasound scheduled someone asked if I was nervous, and I didn't know why I should be. I couldn't figure out why I had this distant thought of worry with this pregnancy. Each day I entered a new week this worry got smaller and smaller. But once I found out we were having a girl, I almost felt as if it was too good to be true. I couldn't fully accept this news and be excited. Deep down my heart knew and was trying to prepare me. I was less than 3 weeks away from being halfway through this pregnancy. A less than 5% chance of happing at this stage, and it was happening to me.
I will have to come back to the hospital and leave without my baby. I won't be taking her home, rocking her to sleep, or buying her any dresses. My heart is completely broken. It's going to keep breaking my heart each time I see my friends and family members, I was pregnant alongside of, get to take their babies home. While I am the one who doesn't get to. My baby's due date will come and go, but there will be no birthday, no celebration.
The only way I am surviving is by knowing the Plan of Salvation, the knowledge I have of enteral life and eternal families. I will see this sweet baby of mine one day, I know it. God is comforting me the best he can right now, and I can feel his love for me. I'm not angry with him for letting this happen. I truly know if it had to happen, there is a good reason behind it. Maybe something was wrong with her body and she would have lived a painful, hard life. Maybe I'm supposed to have this trial to relate to others who have gone through this as well. Maybe I will never know this reason, but I have to trust in God, that he knows what is best for me.
Each day I got to carry this baby was a blessing. I feel grateful I got to have her with me for nearly 18 weeks. She will always be a big part of my heart, and never forgotten. I know I will have many many more tears, and sleepless nights over this. It's not going to be easy to recover from, but I do know that I love our Heavenly Father and he loves me. He is watching me, and is here by my side. I am not alone. I need to lean on him now more than ever because I can't get through this without him.
I hope all you mom's who have experienced miscarriage, or any kind of loss, know this too. I wish I could give each one of you a hug and cry with you. We will get through this and we don't have to be or feel alone.